returning to the motherland. in the dead of winter. i must be crazy.

it's been four months since i last wrote.

my life has been turned up side down.

• wrote and passed the NARM, becoming licensed as a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM). 
• i crossed the atlantic. 
• separated from my partner*.
• got a late application into the International Midwifery Pre-registration Program (IMPP) in Toronto. 
• spent a week with an old friend in her wee caravan in a small village in scotland (coming to terms with life and what it throws at you)
• spent the summer in brookyln with some of the best friends a girl can have (who got me through). 
• moved to toronto (and into my cousins) to start the IMPP.
• connected with some of the best ladies, at a time when i needed my ladies. 

i will be forever indebted to them.

and now...and now i'm headed to saskatoon in a few weeks to complete my clerkship...

i'm so close to being registered in canada, when a few months ago i had not idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go.

i need to acknowledge with deep gratitude the support i've had over these last few months. i haven't made my personal life public, because, well it was just that, private. but that's not even the support i'm just talking about. so thank you.

i have felt so incredibly loved and encouraged at the end of this journey. i feel like i'm in the home stretch of a triathlon. i'm puking (metaphorically), fatigued, feeling as though i surely can never make it, but with the support of those around me and in my extended community, day by day i'm making it closer to the finish line.

it's perfect that i'm completing this journey in saskatchewan. i'm excited about moving back there. i'm fearing the winter as it's been since the late 90's that i've been there. but i'm excited to serve families where i grew up.

i'm looking forward to future prospects of where this might take me. speaking with other midwives wanting to return to the province, and getting support from local communities. i feel like there is so much we can do, as a community.

i feel like i'll finally have space to be me.

so enough with the personal shit. you can see that i haven't exactly had time to write.

_____________________

so as this process continues i'll continue to try and write. i have no idea what the next three months of my clerkship will be like.

i'll be integrating into the canadian health care system, integrating into being a primary maternity care provider that truly has autonomy to practice and provide interprofessional care.

i'll be integrating into working in hospitals and all that goes along with that.

it's the unknown possibilities that that privilege brings that has be a bit terrified right now. but as i'm learning more, it really is just another place of birth, and at the end of the day it is family and midwife.


life is full. so very full.






*i'm having a hard time saying it out loud, but making a concerted effort to acknowledge the truth and not feel ashamed.

sometimes you have to break to be reborn

it's been over a month since i last wrote. i've lost track of time. 

it happens.

this week alone has been four births, two clinic days (left part way through one for a buttery home birth) and a half day at the MAWS conference (pulled out of the afternoon to run off to another birth).

this has pretty much been par for the course this last month.

i don't think that i have ever grown as much as i have through this student midwifery journey as i have this last month or so..

the births in the last few weeks have stretched me beyond belief. and i'm stronger for it. 

i had my last day of clinic as a student midwife on thursday. 

i'm done. 

i have some exams. but i'm done.

i'm on call this weekend and will do a few final postpartum exams on tuesday when i go in to finish all my last paperwork to be signed. but that is because i want to, not that i have to.

i'm done. 

how does it feel?

that's the question on everyones mind. to be honest it's anticlimactic. i need a break, but i love what i do. i love the women i work with. i love my community. i don't want to leave. if i had to leave i want to go back to phoenix. i love my community there.

the thought of having to start over in canada is exhausting to be honest and there is a possibility that i won't be in practice until next may, maybe sooner, maybe not even then. 

so how does it feel? uncertain. 

i have some options out there. but the amount of paperwork and applications i need to complete in the next few weeks is daunting. i at least have pretty much all my documentation signed off on. need to get some signatures on skills. need to have some letters written by people (and i've left this way to late, but have faith in those who support me). i have to pack up and move. say good bye. write finals. 

but first. in an act of pure selfishness i've booked me and my man a 10 day holiday. seven nights camping in the san juan islands and two nights at a lodge in the cascades. we need this. i need this. with the complete uncertainty of this next year i needed to be selfish and take this break now. probably the worst timing. it'll be a working holiday, but it'll be a break. 

right now after one of the most challenging and powerful births or week of births i'm broken. battered. and bruised. but i'm strong. i'm being reborn. i'm transcending the security of being a student midwife and ready to spread my proverbial wings. 

sometimes you have to break to be reborn. 

celebrating my last day of clinic
as a student midwife with my love. 

west seattle

i'm waiting for the heat to start bringing these babies.

but i'm thankful they have been gentle. We finally found a place to live. Tomorrow g and I are signing the lease on our very first home together.

After ten years.

Currently we are camped out in a midwife friend's house in west Seattle. I'm on call for the birth centre. Second student call. This I'm so content with right now. Having three other students starting a new practice is brilliant and is making this transition much smoother.

I need to relax though. I'm losing my shit through all this change.

I haven't posted too much if at all about it but seven weeks ago I married the love of my life. My soulmate. My partner in nefarious times.

I'm so excited about our life together. What it will bring. Curious of how this will challenge me after living independently so many years.

This next ten months.

Living with g in Seattle.
My final midwifery placement at a high volume birth centre.
Starting new. From nothing. From love.

four days of yoga

so one of my resolutions was to yoga.

what does that mean?

for the last four days i have gone to my mat (actually i don't have a mat, just practicing on the carpet). 

i haven't had a dedicated yoga practice in somewhere in the range of three years. seriously.

my body hurts. i have chronic lower back pain. i look at my body and i see how it has changed 

i'm tired. i'm bitter. have battled depression. i'm judgmental. i'm insecure. i'm self-deprecating to the point where i am limiting my opportunities.  

i'm not that horrible. i've made it through my blue period. that at least i've done. 

i'm putting my worst foot forward.

but it's a truth.

it's part of me.

and it's time to turn that around.

strengthen my core, heal my back. 

lengthen and strengthen my muscles and stop the aches and pains. 

tone and shed excess fat and feel better about myself.

i love my curves. but there is a difference between curves and puckering. 

2012 is a new year.

it has started with heightened motivation and inspiration. 

2011 ended with a plague lifting and a load of changes that has brought about a clean slate. 

i'm challenging myself. committing to myself. my teacher once said. everyday step onto your mat. even if you do nothing. step on to your mat. 

so i have stepped onto my mat. and for four days i have lengthened and strengthened and moved my body in ways i haven't consistently for so long. and it feels so good. 

four days of yoga and counting.