#mynewreality

tomorrow's the big day.

i'm sitting in bed in my cousin's basement in saskatoon.

tomorrow i'm starting a three month clerkship. it's the last phase in becoming registered here and i'm getting so close to being able to practice as a midwife.

i'm a wee bit nervous. excited. anxious. i'm not sure exactly where i'm going. literally. i'm not certain which hospital i'm supposed to show up to tomorrow. i'm sure hilarity shall ensue.

i hate being the new kid.

i did a check in tonight with some of the other midwives in my program who have been in their clerkships for the last 3 weeks already. all positive. that should lessen the fear right? right. we will go with that one.

i had a much needed break between now and leaving toronto. i don't think i could have walked into a clerkship where i was three weeks ago.

i drove across the midwest. stopped in with a lovely aspiring midwife and her grandmother in madison then stayed with her french mother, sister and sister's husband in chicago. tattoos and architecture. reuniting with my brooklyn sister from another mother and mister and then off to minnesota to see our other partner in crime.

i arrived back in canada and was greeted with the frigid prairie winter. headed to calgary to see my chosen family there, that i have neglected for so long throughout all my training.

it felt like coming home.

picking up where many relationships left off five years ago.

over the last few weeks, i filled my soul up with love. i couldn't have asked for anything better.

i'm feeling slightly cracked open.

ahh, and so much has happened since i've come back to canada, back to saskatchewan. so much that it is undeniable that this was the path i was supposed to take. so much so that it is hard to catch my breath.

i came back and had an interview with a practice. it really is a perfect job for me. a rural midwife in a community hospital.

i've been offered the job.

all that i have been manifesting is coming to fruition.

now the only thing standing between me and this new reality is the clerkship.

......and deciding if i want to live an hour from nowhere.

i've been asked if i'm excited about it all. and it is so hard to answer that question. i have this reluctance. i'm afraid to get attached to the idea of happiness. that all i have wanted and worked towards is actually happening and if i speak it, it will disappear (there is a reason i'm being vague about the job offer. yes. yes. i am superstitious. does this surprise you?).

regardless. the future does excites me.

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

- T.S. Elliot

this is thirty-three

suppose i look a bit miserable. i tried to smile at the last minute, but the train was coming and i had to go. but this is what thirty-three looks like. windblown. and maybe slightly mysterious.

yesterday was the last day of my course, i'm leaving tomorrow to make the trip home. so excited to meet up with a few of my midwife sisters along the way. so happy to have this reunion.

what i have learned over the last few months, is that midwives make the best friends. we may be flaking and unreliable and can never make plans, but when you need to cry, when you need a hug. these are the women you want around you. 

i'm starting in saskatoon on nov. 25th. i can't wait. i can't wait to meet the midwives, to meet the families. my preceptor sounds amazing and i feel is going to be really supportive of getting me to a place where i can not only function as a midwife in canada, but get me the experience in areas that i am weak in. 

i can't wait. this program so far has been teaching me, to not beat myself up because of any deficits that i may be bringing to the table. i do have strengths. and i am still just a young midwife. i have lots of time to grow. 

--------

i was asked last night what i wanted to manifest for this year.

the answer is simple. i want a home to plant my calendula seed. 

everyday i'm feeling closer to that. 

so this is thirty-three. i feel that this is going to be a good year. despite all of the shit i'll have to deal with and the uncertainty that exists, it's going to be good.

one of my soul sisters gave me a card yesterday and in it she wrote: "the only thing in life that is certain, is uncertainty".

that is a truth that i am living right now. and this life, no matter the ups and downs, is good. 

x

returning to the motherland. in the dead of winter. i must be crazy.

it's been four months since i last wrote.

my life has been turned up side down.

• wrote and passed the NARM, becoming licensed as a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM). 
• i crossed the atlantic. 
• separated from my partner*.
• got a late application into the International Midwifery Pre-registration Program (IMPP) in Toronto. 
• spent a week with an old friend in her wee caravan in a small village in scotland (coming to terms with life and what it throws at you)
• spent the summer in brookyln with some of the best friends a girl can have (who got me through). 
• moved to toronto (and into my cousins) to start the IMPP.
• connected with some of the best ladies, at a time when i needed my ladies. 

i will be forever indebted to them.

and now...and now i'm headed to saskatoon in a few weeks to complete my clerkship...

i'm so close to being registered in canada, when a few months ago i had not idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go.

i need to acknowledge with deep gratitude the support i've had over these last few months. i haven't made my personal life public, because, well it was just that, private. but that's not even the support i'm just talking about. so thank you.

i have felt so incredibly loved and encouraged at the end of this journey. i feel like i'm in the home stretch of a triathlon. i'm puking (metaphorically), fatigued, feeling as though i surely can never make it, but with the support of those around me and in my extended community, day by day i'm making it closer to the finish line.

it's perfect that i'm completing this journey in saskatchewan. i'm excited about moving back there. i'm fearing the winter as it's been since the late 90's that i've been there. but i'm excited to serve families where i grew up.

i'm looking forward to future prospects of where this might take me. speaking with other midwives wanting to return to the province, and getting support from local communities. i feel like there is so much we can do, as a community.

i feel like i'll finally have space to be me.

so enough with the personal shit. you can see that i haven't exactly had time to write.

_____________________

so as this process continues i'll continue to try and write. i have no idea what the next three months of my clerkship will be like.

i'll be integrating into the canadian health care system, integrating into being a primary maternity care provider that truly has autonomy to practice and provide interprofessional care.

i'll be integrating into working in hospitals and all that goes along with that.

it's the unknown possibilities that that privilege brings that has be a bit terrified right now. but as i'm learning more, it really is just another place of birth, and at the end of the day it is family and midwife.


life is full. so very full.






*i'm having a hard time saying it out loud, but making a concerted effort to acknowledge the truth and not feel ashamed.

"so where are you moving to?"

the money question. everyone asks and i haven't an answer. i asked G the other day another word for liminal. he suggested limbo. whichever it is. that is where we are. but there is a plan. 

all of my documentation has been sent, received and reviewed by my school.

i somehow pulled getting my application for NARM together after a last minute decision to go ahead and get licensed in the states. i had a skills exam with my clinical director today to get a few more skills signed off. and i'm like 9 days away from being back in maine for my final exams.

it's only starting to become real and anxiety is setting in.

we packed up, put most of our furniture and books into storage, said our sad goodbyes and crossed the border back to canada last week. it wasn't official and clearly it never occurred to me until the border guard asked if we had filled out a declaration to reestablish my canadian residency? 

oh, right. i'm done. i guess i have to go back to canada now. 

as i said. there is a plan. we have lots of plans in the works. i'm hoping to get a visa extension that will allow me to work as a licensed midwife in the US. at least for a period of time. during that period i'll be working towards getting registered in canada, but the timing of exams (and/or programs) dictates the speed at which that takes place. out of my hands. 

optimistically i could be registered next may, outside chance not until spring of 2015, worst case, never.  

i'm just focusing on moving forward and managing to make all these logistics come together and actually try and study for all these exams. oh, also G is applying for canadian residency and we have to go back in time and print out all our emails. this goes back 10 years...to the time of hotmail. i can't even access that account anymore so the earliest we can go is 2007. yes. only 6 years. 6 years of emails. skype. facebook. myspace? all our pictures. i'm not sure there is enough paper or ink for this. not to mention the police checks and tax audits. 

we can pull this off though. despite having no fixed address. despite having our most wordly possessions being packed into my little car, most of which is composed of camping gear and midwifery books. a ukelele and our blendtec. 

so where are we moving to? only the future knows. we are open and resigned to what the universe brings us. i know ultimately it will be success. 

sometimes you have to break to be reborn

it's been over a month since i last wrote. i've lost track of time. 

it happens.

this week alone has been four births, two clinic days (left part way through one for a buttery home birth) and a half day at the MAWS conference (pulled out of the afternoon to run off to another birth).

this has pretty much been par for the course this last month.

i don't think that i have ever grown as much as i have through this student midwifery journey as i have this last month or so..

the births in the last few weeks have stretched me beyond belief. and i'm stronger for it. 

i had my last day of clinic as a student midwife on thursday. 

i'm done. 

i have some exams. but i'm done.

i'm on call this weekend and will do a few final postpartum exams on tuesday when i go in to finish all my last paperwork to be signed. but that is because i want to, not that i have to.

i'm done. 

how does it feel?

that's the question on everyones mind. to be honest it's anticlimactic. i need a break, but i love what i do. i love the women i work with. i love my community. i don't want to leave. if i had to leave i want to go back to phoenix. i love my community there.

the thought of having to start over in canada is exhausting to be honest and there is a possibility that i won't be in practice until next may, maybe sooner, maybe not even then. 

so how does it feel? uncertain. 

i have some options out there. but the amount of paperwork and applications i need to complete in the next few weeks is daunting. i at least have pretty much all my documentation signed off on. need to get some signatures on skills. need to have some letters written by people (and i've left this way to late, but have faith in those who support me). i have to pack up and move. say good bye. write finals. 

but first. in an act of pure selfishness i've booked me and my man a 10 day holiday. seven nights camping in the san juan islands and two nights at a lodge in the cascades. we need this. i need this. with the complete uncertainty of this next year i needed to be selfish and take this break now. probably the worst timing. it'll be a working holiday, but it'll be a break. 

right now after one of the most challenging and powerful births or week of births i'm broken. battered. and bruised. but i'm strong. i'm being reborn. i'm transcending the security of being a student midwife and ready to spread my proverbial wings. 

sometimes you have to break to be reborn. 

celebrating my last day of clinic
as a student midwife with my love.