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Friday, October 11, 2013

returning to the motherland. in the dead of winter. i must be crazy.

it's been four months since i last wrote.

my life has been turned up side down.
  • wrote and passed the NARM, becoming licensed as a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM). 
  • i crossed the atlantic. 
  • separated from my partner*.
  • got a late application into the International Midwifery Pre-registration Program (IMPP) in Toronto. 
  • spent a week with an old friend in her wee caravan in a small village in scotland (coming to terms with life and what it throws at you)
  • spent the summer in brookyln with some of the best friends a girl can have (who got me through). 
  • moved to toronto (and into my cousins) to start the IMPP.
  • connected with some of the best ladies, at a time when i needed my ladies. 
i will be forever indebted to them.

and now...and now i'm headed to saskatoon in a few weeks to complete my clerkship...

i'm so close to being registered in canada, when a few months ago i had not idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go.

i need to acknowledge with deep gratitude the support i've had over these last few months. i haven't made my personal life public, because, well it was just that, private. but that's not even the support i'm just talking about. so thank you.

i have felt so incredibly loved and encouraged at the end of this journey. i feel like i'm in the home stretch of a triathlon. i'm puking (metaphorically), fatigued, feeling as though i surely can never make it, but with the support of those around me and in my extended community, day by day i'm making it closer to the finish line.

it's perfect that i'm completing this journey in saskatchewan. i'm excited about moving back there. i'm fearing the winter as it's been since the late 90's that i've been there. but i'm excited to serve families where i grew up.

i'm looking forward to future prospects of where this might take me. speaking with other midwives wanting to return to the province, and getting support from local communities. i feel like there is so much we can do, as a community.

i feel like i'll finally have space to be me.

so enough with the personal shit. you can see that i haven't exactly had time to write.


so as this process continues i'll continue to try and write. i have no idea what the next three months of my clerkship will be like.

i'll be integrating into the canadian health care system, integrating into being a primary maternity care provider that truly has autonomy to practice and provide interprofessional care.

i'll be integrating into working in hospitals and all that goes along with that.

it's the unknown possibilities that that privilege brings that has be a bit terrified right now. but as i'm learning more, it really is just another place of birth, and at the end of the day it is family and midwife.

life is full. so very full.

*i'm having a hard time saying it out loud, but making a concerted effort to acknowledge the truth and not feel ashamed.