question was asked, this is written in response.
Ok so much has been accomplished in the last few months. I've FINALLY begun my books studies. something that i should have been doing for ages now. but was so discombobulated before that i needed a bit more guidance.
Of course there have been struggles particularly revolving around my personal life, but they seem to matter less now that i am finally DOING what I've been wanting to do for several years now. Who knows, had i not walked the path i had i may not be where i am...alternatively I could be much further along. that is an unnecessary question though.
I did my first vaginal exam yesterday. yes i just said vaginal. does that make you cringe? I felt a babies head bob on my fingers while still in utero. pretty damn cool if you ask me.
is this a calling? a passion? I don't know. there are definitely women i have met along the way that it is clearly obvious that THIS is what they are supposed to be doing. Alls I know is that this is the first time in years that i am not depressed. None of it grosses me out, though some of it scares the heck out of me and makes me nervous...but that is more a result of Shell throwing me into the deep end.
I wish i had more expereince..more knowledge. either through memorising of all the books i've read or through life experience that has imprinted all that knowledge into me. perhaps i'd feel more confident if i were initiated into the club?
that is all irrelevant when you can comfort a women in her time of need. i may not have all the answers, say all the right things, but I KNOW what comes naturally. you can't fake that, you can't LEARN that. you are BORN that way. all your life expereinces helps to create that empathy. it doesn't matter that i haven't pushed a baby out of my vagina (yes i said it again) or had a surgical birth. but i can sit there and be engaged while other mommas talk about all the issues that surround it. I can cry along with them when they speak of the loss they feel through unfortunate experiences.
does that make it a calling? or my passion? regardless of where this current life lesson takes me. it has been just that a lesson. one that solidifies within my being that this is what i want to do.
i am so grateful for this opportunity.
thank you Shell (and of course Michael who feeds us and brings us coffee)
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