11:40

wholly stress ball, i am.

she says frantically as she begins thinking about all she has to do before school.

i purged my office cabinet today. my sister set me a task of recycling 27 items. ptew that was a bit too easy, my OCD behaviour had me purging at least 100 documents, organizing folders, receipts, school, craft, writing...where did i leave my vaccination record. i would like to know what i did with that. i had it last when i was tested for TB...sigh. she then set an alarm as I was supposed to only do this for 15 min and i apparently was taking her task too far too quick.

Also accomplished today: dyed hair. umm rosewood. goes with the spontaneous cut from the other day. made beauty care products with my sister...well maybe she did most of it. toner and oil. looking forward to testing those out tomorrow. oh yes and of course her super fantastic deodorant.

all great ways to procrastinate, right? ack. a week and a half left before i go. she taps her fingers nervously.

head down, sis leaves tomorrow. head down. quiet christmas. waiting on two births before i leave, one as a student, the other for placenta encapsulation...realizing that she may birth after I go. epic fail. need to sort that out.


11:51.

going to sedona tomorrow to get O2. rough life right? i love love love what i am doing. not sure i can really compare it my previous work. ahh yes it was brilliant to get paid to hike in the outdoors and to search and discover. to play indiana jones...but not being able to sleep, being guided firmly by the almighty dollar and to know that you may very well be the last human to walk in that pristine land before its developed, mined, carved out for oil....gotta say not too positive.

but birth. birth is beautiful. even when it isn't as planned and when it isn't perfect. there is something magical that happens. Being part of that intensely private event in a families life is somewhat like being an invited voyeur. I say voyeur because for the most part we watch. i think that is part of being a good midwife. is you watch. ideally the hard work was done during the prenatal period. loving and nurturing, guiding and watching for any signs that things may be going off track so that at the moment of birth the mother, the family may feel safe and secure in the act of birth. to birth themselves.

I have so much to learn about what to do when a midwife is needed at the birth, after the birth and in difficult times or emergency. But that will come. That I think, requires a lot of intuition and a lot of observation about what is normal. Right now i need to watch. I need to observe how a mother sways back and forth beginning to rock more intensely become more focused as she enters transition. How she then is allowed breaks to rest her body as the baby works its way through the pelvis and into the birth canal, when once again the mother actively participates as the uterus comes together in this magnificent interplay to bring her baby into this world.

Mayhaps this isn't the most keen and spiritual observations of birth. I recognize that this aspect of birth i do need to embrace more. That will come as i let come of my inhibitions and allow myself to be and to embrace my own role, my own femininity and come into womanhood. Having not birthed myself is definitely a challenge. But at the same time I am not biased by my own experience. I can't draw from experience which having so little skill and practical exposure at this point is a disadvantage, but with every birth and every pregnancy that I am blessed to be part of I grow and I learn and I see the patterns, the individuality, the process.


12:13