#mynewreality

tomorrow's the big day.

i'm sitting in bed in my cousin's basement in saskatoon.

tomorrow i'm starting a three month clerkship. it's the last phase in becoming registered here and i'm getting so close to being able to practice as a midwife.

i'm a wee bit nervous. excited. anxious. i'm not sure exactly where i'm going. literally. i'm not certain which hospital i'm supposed to show up to tomorrow. i'm sure hilarity shall ensue.

i hate being the new kid.

i did a check in tonight with some of the other midwives in my program who have been in their clerkships for the last 3 weeks already. all positive. that should lessen the fear right? right. we will go with that one.

i had a much needed break between now and leaving toronto. i don't think i could have walked into a clerkship where i was three weeks ago.

i drove across the midwest. stopped in with a lovely aspiring midwife and her grandmother in madison then stayed with her french mother, sister and sister's husband in chicago. tattoos and architecture. reuniting with my brooklyn sister from another mother and mister and then off to minnesota to see our other partner in crime.

i arrived back in canada and was greeted with the frigid prairie winter. headed to calgary to see my chosen family there, that i have neglected for so long throughout all my training.

it felt like coming home.

picking up where many relationships left off five years ago.

over the last few weeks, i filled my soul up with love. i couldn't have asked for anything better.

i'm feeling slightly cracked open.

ahh, and so much has happened since i've come back to canada, back to saskatchewan. so much that it is undeniable that this was the path i was supposed to take. so much so that it is hard to catch my breath.

i came back and had an interview with a practice. it really is a perfect job for me. a rural midwife in a community hospital.

i've been offered the job.

all that i have been manifesting is coming to fruition.

now the only thing standing between me and this new reality is the clerkship.

......and deciding if i want to live an hour from nowhere.

i've been asked if i'm excited about it all. and it is so hard to answer that question. i have this reluctance. i'm afraid to get attached to the idea of happiness. that all i have wanted and worked towards is actually happening and if i speak it, it will disappear (there is a reason i'm being vague about the job offer. yes. yes. i am superstitious. does this surprise you?).

regardless. the future does excites me.

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

- T.S. Elliot

this is thirty-three

suppose i look a bit miserable. i tried to smile at the last minute, but the train was coming and i had to go. but this is what thirty-three looks like. windblown. and maybe slightly mysterious.

yesterday was the last day of my course, i'm leaving tomorrow to make the trip home. so excited to meet up with a few of my midwife sisters along the way. so happy to have this reunion.

what i have learned over the last few months, is that midwives make the best friends. we may be flaking and unreliable and can never make plans, but when you need to cry, when you need a hug. these are the women you want around you. 

i'm starting in saskatoon on nov. 25th. i can't wait. i can't wait to meet the midwives, to meet the families. my preceptor sounds amazing and i feel is going to be really supportive of getting me to a place where i can not only function as a midwife in canada, but get me the experience in areas that i am weak in. 

i can't wait. this program so far has been teaching me, to not beat myself up because of any deficits that i may be bringing to the table. i do have strengths. and i am still just a young midwife. i have lots of time to grow. 

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i was asked last night what i wanted to manifest for this year.

the answer is simple. i want a home to plant my calendula seed. 

everyday i'm feeling closer to that. 

so this is thirty-three. i feel that this is going to be a good year. despite all of the shit i'll have to deal with and the uncertainty that exists, it's going to be good.

one of my soul sisters gave me a card yesterday and in it she wrote: "the only thing in life that is certain, is uncertainty".

that is a truth that i am living right now. and this life, no matter the ups and downs, is good. 

x