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Sunday, November 24, 2013


tomorrow's the big day.

i'm sitting in bed in my cousin's basement in saskatoon.

tomorrow i'm starting a three month clerkship. it's the last phase in becoming registered here and i'm getting so close to being able to practice as a midwife.

i'm a wee bit nervous. excited. anxious. i'm not sure exactly where i'm going. literally. i'm not certain which hospital i'm supposed to show up to tomorrow. i'm sure hilarity shall ensue.

i hate being the new kid.

i did a check in tonight with some of the other midwives in my program who have been in their clerkships for the last 3 weeks already. all positive. that should lessen the fear right? right. we will go with that one.

i had a much needed break between now and leaving toronto. i don't think i could have walked into a clerkship where i was three weeks ago.

i drove across the midwest. stopped in with a lovely aspiring midwife and her grandmother in madison then stayed with her french mother, sister and sister's husband in chicago. tattoos and architecture. reuniting with my brooklyn sister from another mother and mister and then off to minnesota to see our other partner in crime.

i arrived back in canada and was greeted with the frigid prairie winter. headed to calgary to see my chosen family there, that i have neglected for so long throughout all my training.

it felt like coming home.

picking up where many relationships left off five years ago.

over the last few weeks, i filled my soul up with love. i couldn't have asked for anything better.

i'm feeling slightly cracked open.

ahh, and so much has happened since i've come back to canada, back to saskatchewan. so much that it is undeniable that this was the path i was supposed to take. so much so that it is hard to catch my breath.

i came back and had an interview with a practice. it really is a perfect job for me. a rural midwife in a community hospital.

i've been offered the job.

all that i have been manifesting is coming to fruition.

now the only thing standing between me and this new reality is the clerkship.

......and deciding if i want to live an hour from nowhere.

i've been asked if i'm excited about it all. and it is so hard to answer that question. i have this reluctance. i'm afraid to get attached to the idea of happiness. that all i have wanted and worked towards is actually happening and if i speak it, it will disappear (there is a reason i'm being vague about the job offer. yes. yes. i am superstitious. does this surprise you?).

regardless. the future does excites me.

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
- T.S. Elliot

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