monday's are for births or week two

i was awoken at 5am to the midwife calling me that one of our mothers is in labour.

G3P2
first home birth

she was so strong. so powerful. so thrilled. so amazed at herself.

i helped as she eased the baby's wrinkly head out on hands and knees.

she turned over, reached down and lifted her baby to her chest in pure surrender.

happy monday.

#thesecretlivesofmidwives

week one or baptism by fire

it's 7:41am on sunday morning. most sane people are sleeping. me? i'm showered, have managed actually washed my hair (yes i do feel this is an accomplishment) and am dressed. i even have time to write before i head out to a postpartum visit.

i enjoy a little high productivity now and then, but i sure wish i was cozy in bed with no thoughts of getting out of it right now. oh well. i get to go snuggle a new baby and check on her momma.

i started monday with a bunch of meetings and being introduced to the new practice i'm with. i was also informed that a birth was likely to happen. day one, go.

this birth was definitely a baptism by fire. i'm not going to go into the details, but i definitely rode the learning curve with this one. it was a planned hospital birth and she did require pitocin and wanted an epidural. these are all very new things to me. new to me in the way that i was the one who remained guiding the birth.

i witness a woman with an epidural get out of bed and walk to the bathroom without much support. FREAKING WALKING EPIDURALS DO EXIST!!!

have to say i was impressed with that one.

this birth was eventful to say the least and i was so honoured be the one to receive this mommas baby after she triumphantly pushed.

births are about the families we serve. there is no question about that. but some experiences grow you in a way that needs to be recognized.

me having a grey's anatomy moment
in the staff change room

this was my first time in this hospital. i hadn't even had a tour. i was wearing scrubs. i was integrating myself into this new environment. this was a long labour. long. like epic. it took work. and in that process i was able to discover this new place in which i was to be an MRP (most responsible provider).

me. the most responsible provider here in a hospital? OK. i can do this. i have no idea where anything is.

nurses. i have the deepest respect for nurses, all that they do and all that they know.

i need them.

so that took the better part of my first three days. i didn't make it back to clinic until thursday.

they had me scheduled to take part in this obstetric training workshop for the hospital. nurses, family practice docs, OBs and midwives. all get the same information, so that everyone is on the same page.

730 saturday morning. who schedules workshops for 730 saturday morning?

it was good. a lot of what i already knew. reinforced some of the fetal surveillance that is new to me (i.e. interpreting EFM strips), but ultimately it was a great way in which to be seen by those working in the hospital.

one of my favourite moments of the day was when one of the residents looked over at me. she looked at my wrist. then whispers: is that a uterus? me: yep. resident: are you a midwife me: yep resident: that's hardcore.

relationship building moment. advice: make friends with residents. you never know when you are going to need them.

so today, this morning going to check on baby. wanting to sleep. this whole thing has been a shock to the system after being away from it for the last 5/6 months. finding a way to catch up on lost sleep. my family i'm staying with think it's great and laugh at the fact that they didn't see me for a few days. the midwife vampire. sleeping during the day, off throughout the night.

but i love it. i wouldn't have it any other way.

baptism by fire.

#mynewreality

tomorrow's the big day.

i'm sitting in bed in my cousin's basement in saskatoon.

tomorrow i'm starting a three month clerkship. it's the last phase in becoming registered here and i'm getting so close to being able to practice as a midwife.

i'm a wee bit nervous. excited. anxious. i'm not sure exactly where i'm going. literally. i'm not certain which hospital i'm supposed to show up to tomorrow. i'm sure hilarity shall ensue.

i hate being the new kid.

i did a check in tonight with some of the other midwives in my program who have been in their clerkships for the last 3 weeks already. all positive. that should lessen the fear right? right. we will go with that one.

i had a much needed break between now and leaving toronto. i don't think i could have walked into a clerkship where i was three weeks ago.

i drove across the midwest. stopped in with a lovely aspiring midwife and her grandmother in madison then stayed with her french mother, sister and sister's husband in chicago. tattoos and architecture. reuniting with my brooklyn sister from another mother and mister and then off to minnesota to see our other partner in crime.

i arrived back in canada and was greeted with the frigid prairie winter. headed to calgary to see my chosen family there, that i have neglected for so long throughout all my training.

it felt like coming home.

picking up where many relationships left off five years ago.

over the last few weeks, i filled my soul up with love. i couldn't have asked for anything better.

i'm feeling slightly cracked open.

ahh, and so much has happened since i've come back to canada, back to saskatchewan. so much that it is undeniable that this was the path i was supposed to take. so much so that it is hard to catch my breath.

i came back and had an interview with a practice. it really is a perfect job for me. a rural midwife in a community hospital.

i've been offered the job.

all that i have been manifesting is coming to fruition.

now the only thing standing between me and this new reality is the clerkship.

......and deciding if i want to live an hour from nowhere.

i've been asked if i'm excited about it all. and it is so hard to answer that question. i have this reluctance. i'm afraid to get attached to the idea of happiness. that all i have wanted and worked towards is actually happening and if i speak it, it will disappear (there is a reason i'm being vague about the job offer. yes. yes. i am superstitious. does this surprise you?).

regardless. the future does excites me.

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

- T.S. Elliot

this is thirty-three

suppose i look a bit miserable. i tried to smile at the last minute, but the train was coming and i had to go. but this is what thirty-three looks like. windblown. and maybe slightly mysterious.

yesterday was the last day of my course, i'm leaving tomorrow to make the trip home. so excited to meet up with a few of my midwife sisters along the way. so happy to have this reunion.

what i have learned over the last few months, is that midwives make the best friends. we may be flaking and unreliable and can never make plans, but when you need to cry, when you need a hug. these are the women you want around you. 

i'm starting in saskatoon on nov. 25th. i can't wait. i can't wait to meet the midwives, to meet the families. my preceptor sounds amazing and i feel is going to be really supportive of getting me to a place where i can not only function as a midwife in canada, but get me the experience in areas that i am weak in. 

i can't wait. this program so far has been teaching me, to not beat myself up because of any deficits that i may be bringing to the table. i do have strengths. and i am still just a young midwife. i have lots of time to grow. 

--------

i was asked last night what i wanted to manifest for this year.

the answer is simple. i want a home to plant my calendula seed. 

everyday i'm feeling closer to that. 

so this is thirty-three. i feel that this is going to be a good year. despite all of the shit i'll have to deal with and the uncertainty that exists, it's going to be good.

one of my soul sisters gave me a card yesterday and in it she wrote: "the only thing in life that is certain, is uncertainty".

that is a truth that i am living right now. and this life, no matter the ups and downs, is good. 

x

returning to the motherland. in the dead of winter. i must be crazy.

it's been four months since i last wrote.

my life has been turned up side down.

• wrote and passed the NARM, becoming licensed as a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM). 
• i crossed the atlantic. 
• separated from my partner*.
• got a late application into the International Midwifery Pre-registration Program (IMPP) in Toronto. 
• spent a week with an old friend in her wee caravan in a small village in scotland (coming to terms with life and what it throws at you)
• spent the summer in brookyln with some of the best friends a girl can have (who got me through). 
• moved to toronto (and into my cousins) to start the IMPP.
• connected with some of the best ladies, at a time when i needed my ladies. 

i will be forever indebted to them.

and now...and now i'm headed to saskatoon in a few weeks to complete my clerkship...

i'm so close to being registered in canada, when a few months ago i had not idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go.

i need to acknowledge with deep gratitude the support i've had over these last few months. i haven't made my personal life public, because, well it was just that, private. but that's not even the support i'm just talking about. so thank you.

i have felt so incredibly loved and encouraged at the end of this journey. i feel like i'm in the home stretch of a triathlon. i'm puking (metaphorically), fatigued, feeling as though i surely can never make it, but with the support of those around me and in my extended community, day by day i'm making it closer to the finish line.

it's perfect that i'm completing this journey in saskatchewan. i'm excited about moving back there. i'm fearing the winter as it's been since the late 90's that i've been there. but i'm excited to serve families where i grew up.

i'm looking forward to future prospects of where this might take me. speaking with other midwives wanting to return to the province, and getting support from local communities. i feel like there is so much we can do, as a community.

i feel like i'll finally have space to be me.

so enough with the personal shit. you can see that i haven't exactly had time to write.

_____________________

so as this process continues i'll continue to try and write. i have no idea what the next three months of my clerkship will be like.

i'll be integrating into the canadian health care system, integrating into being a primary maternity care provider that truly has autonomy to practice and provide interprofessional care.

i'll be integrating into working in hospitals and all that goes along with that.

it's the unknown possibilities that that privilege brings that has be a bit terrified right now. but as i'm learning more, it really is just another place of birth, and at the end of the day it is family and midwife.


life is full. so very full.






*i'm having a hard time saying it out loud, but making a concerted effort to acknowledge the truth and not feel ashamed.