young mother. we know your secret.

young mother.

body ripe with life.

you move and sway.

your body has been here before. it carries the knowledge of your ancestors.

young mother.

you fight the passage. you fight the progress.

surrounded by your tribe. you take each surge one at a time. wanting escape.

we sit and watch. we know your secret. we know your power. we know you can do it.

young mother.

find your rhythm. find your strength. settle into the recesses of the ancestral knowledge that lies deep within your core. let the surface go. let it all go. open. down. sway. rock. shift that baby lower in your loins. embrace it. we know your secret.

young mother.

you start to believe. the power of your tribe surounds you as your inner strength builds. you find your rhythm. slow dancing between surges, dropping into a squat as the intensity builds.

supported by your partner, your tribe in the corner. it is just the two of you. it has only ever been the two of you.

you close yourself away. physically and metaphorically. you take control and find your power. you believe. you sit and let the baby down. reaching. you let the baby into your hands. you bring your baby to meet the rest of us.

young mother.

we know your secret. you are powerful.

you did it.

technology and it's appropriate use. when pitocin and an epidural might be the right choice.

it's monday and four hours to midnight. no birth yet, but was paged to evaluate a mother with a potential pulmonary embolism.

what i'm about to write about may piss a bunch of people off. but i think it's important.

technology and it's appropriate use. when pitocin and an epidural might be the right choice.

i've been thinking about this recently. it's an ongoing dialogue really, but now that i have the use of pitocin and pain relief in my bag of tools it's become more relevant.

there have been a number of first time mothers with long labours recently. some who have used the resources a hospital offers without reticence and those who have chosen not to.

perhaps it's not appropriate to compare any labour to another, but it's interesting.

what happens when a mother chooses to avoid intervention in her labour, striving for a natural birth without intervention, and ends up with a cesarean? what would have happened had she opted for augmentation earlier? would the benefits of an epidural relaxed her pelvis enough to open up and let the baby down?

is the mother happier, knowing she did everything she possibly could have within her body and soul to labour that baby down and bring it into this realm? if the result is a cesarean, is this still a more satisfying birth experience than had she used these other tools or "interventions" earlier?

these are the questions in my mind.

i'm not an experienced midwife. i'm an entry level midwife and damn proud of it. i know my limitations and i'm open to learning. i'm open to a multidisciplinary approach. i'm open to using modern technologies that we are so privileged to have access to in north america.

my job now as a midwife who has these tools within her scope of practice is to use them effectively.

i am experienced enough to recognize when labour has become abnormal. if i couldn't then, well, i'm not ready to be a midwife.

the conflict of interest arises when my clinical judgement may disagree with the desires of the labouring mother.

ultimately, this is her birth, her body, her baby, her decision.

i can offer, suggest, recommend what i see as the appropriate course of action or what the available options are. but the decision is not mine to hold.

reflecting on a birth, however, i can't help to wonder. if the mother had taken my recommendation and utilized these "interventions" would she have had a vaginal birth?

this leads me to evaluate the current culture of birth in which we live, in which women live and are educated.

childbirth education, the media, books teach women how to say no to intervention. however, are they teaching them when saying yes, might be appropriate?

have we completely desensitized ourselves and abused these advancements to the point that the only option is saying no, because either a) women do not trust their care providers to use these tools judiciously and as needed, or b) women are taught that if they say yes to any intervention, they have failed. that putting themselves through hell and back, fighting, being that warrior goddess, means that they must say no to the point that their only option is surgery?

i see every mother as that warrior goddess. no matter how her birth story is written.

carrying, growing, and birthing life is the utmost human feat.

how can we get to a point where women not only trust in their bodies, but also in their care providers and the technology that is available?

how can we get to a point where care providers trust women's bodies, and not rely on these technologies to manage birth?

monday's are for births or week two

i was awoken at 5am to the midwife calling me that one of our mothers is in labour.

G3P2
first home birth

she was so strong. so powerful. so thrilled. so amazed at herself.

i helped as she eased the baby's wrinkly head out on hands and knees.

she turned over, reached down and lifted her baby to her chest in pure surrender.

happy monday.

#thesecretlivesofmidwives

week one or baptism by fire

it's 7:41am on sunday morning. most sane people are sleeping. me? i'm showered, have managed actually washed my hair (yes i do feel this is an accomplishment) and am dressed. i even have time to write before i head out to a postpartum visit.

i enjoy a little high productivity now and then, but i sure wish i was cozy in bed with no thoughts of getting out of it right now. oh well. i get to go snuggle a new baby and check on her momma.

i started monday with a bunch of meetings and being introduced to the new practice i'm with. i was also informed that a birth was likely to happen. day one, go.

this birth was definitely a baptism by fire. i'm not going to go into the details, but i definitely rode the learning curve with this one. it was a planned hospital birth and she did require pitocin and wanted an epidural. these are all very new things to me. new to me in the way that i was the one who remained guiding the birth.

i witness a woman with an epidural get out of bed and walk to the bathroom without much support. FREAKING WALKING EPIDURALS DO EXIST!!!

have to say i was impressed with that one.

this birth was eventful to say the least and i was so honoured be the one to receive this mommas baby after she triumphantly pushed.

births are about the families we serve. there is no question about that. but some experiences grow you in a way that needs to be recognized.

me having a grey's anatomy moment
in the staff change room

this was my first time in this hospital. i hadn't even had a tour. i was wearing scrubs. i was integrating myself into this new environment. this was a long labour. long. like epic. it took work. and in that process i was able to discover this new place in which i was to be an MRP (most responsible provider).

me. the most responsible provider here in a hospital? OK. i can do this. i have no idea where anything is.

nurses. i have the deepest respect for nurses, all that they do and all that they know.

i need them.

so that took the better part of my first three days. i didn't make it back to clinic until thursday.

they had me scheduled to take part in this obstetric training workshop for the hospital. nurses, family practice docs, OBs and midwives. all get the same information, so that everyone is on the same page.

730 saturday morning. who schedules workshops for 730 saturday morning?

it was good. a lot of what i already knew. reinforced some of the fetal surveillance that is new to me (i.e. interpreting EFM strips), but ultimately it was a great way in which to be seen by those working in the hospital.

one of my favourite moments of the day was when one of the residents looked over at me. she looked at my wrist. then whispers: is that a uterus? me: yep. resident: are you a midwife me: yep resident: that's hardcore.

relationship building moment. advice: make friends with residents. you never know when you are going to need them.

so today, this morning going to check on baby. wanting to sleep. this whole thing has been a shock to the system after being away from it for the last 5/6 months. finding a way to catch up on lost sleep. my family i'm staying with think it's great and laugh at the fact that they didn't see me for a few days. the midwife vampire. sleeping during the day, off throughout the night.

but i love it. i wouldn't have it any other way.

baptism by fire.

#mynewreality

tomorrow's the big day.

i'm sitting in bed in my cousin's basement in saskatoon.

tomorrow i'm starting a three month clerkship. it's the last phase in becoming registered here and i'm getting so close to being able to practice as a midwife.

i'm a wee bit nervous. excited. anxious. i'm not sure exactly where i'm going. literally. i'm not certain which hospital i'm supposed to show up to tomorrow. i'm sure hilarity shall ensue.

i hate being the new kid.

i did a check in tonight with some of the other midwives in my program who have been in their clerkships for the last 3 weeks already. all positive. that should lessen the fear right? right. we will go with that one.

i had a much needed break between now and leaving toronto. i don't think i could have walked into a clerkship where i was three weeks ago.

i drove across the midwest. stopped in with a lovely aspiring midwife and her grandmother in madison then stayed with her french mother, sister and sister's husband in chicago. tattoos and architecture. reuniting with my brooklyn sister from another mother and mister and then off to minnesota to see our other partner in crime.

i arrived back in canada and was greeted with the frigid prairie winter. headed to calgary to see my chosen family there, that i have neglected for so long throughout all my training.

it felt like coming home.

picking up where many relationships left off five years ago.

over the last few weeks, i filled my soul up with love. i couldn't have asked for anything better.

i'm feeling slightly cracked open.

ahh, and so much has happened since i've come back to canada, back to saskatchewan. so much that it is undeniable that this was the path i was supposed to take. so much so that it is hard to catch my breath.

i came back and had an interview with a practice. it really is a perfect job for me. a rural midwife in a community hospital.

i've been offered the job.

all that i have been manifesting is coming to fruition.

now the only thing standing between me and this new reality is the clerkship.

......and deciding if i want to live an hour from nowhere.

i've been asked if i'm excited about it all. and it is so hard to answer that question. i have this reluctance. i'm afraid to get attached to the idea of happiness. that all i have wanted and worked towards is actually happening and if i speak it, it will disappear (there is a reason i'm being vague about the job offer. yes. yes. i am superstitious. does this surprise you?).

regardless. the future does excites me.

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

- T.S. Elliot

this is thirty-three

suppose i look a bit miserable. i tried to smile at the last minute, but the train was coming and i had to go. but this is what thirty-three looks like. windblown. and maybe slightly mysterious.

yesterday was the last day of my course, i'm leaving tomorrow to make the trip home. so excited to meet up with a few of my midwife sisters along the way. so happy to have this reunion.

what i have learned over the last few months, is that midwives make the best friends. we may be flaking and unreliable and can never make plans, but when you need to cry, when you need a hug. these are the women you want around you. 

i'm starting in saskatoon on nov. 25th. i can't wait. i can't wait to meet the midwives, to meet the families. my preceptor sounds amazing and i feel is going to be really supportive of getting me to a place where i can not only function as a midwife in canada, but get me the experience in areas that i am weak in. 

i can't wait. this program so far has been teaching me, to not beat myself up because of any deficits that i may be bringing to the table. i do have strengths. and i am still just a young midwife. i have lots of time to grow. 

--------

i was asked last night what i wanted to manifest for this year.

the answer is simple. i want a home to plant my calendula seed. 

everyday i'm feeling closer to that. 

so this is thirty-three. i feel that this is going to be a good year. despite all of the shit i'll have to deal with and the uncertainty that exists, it's going to be good.

one of my soul sisters gave me a card yesterday and in it she wrote: "the only thing in life that is certain, is uncertainty".

that is a truth that i am living right now. and this life, no matter the ups and downs, is good. 

x

returning to the motherland. in the dead of winter. i must be crazy.

it's been four months since i last wrote.

my life has been turned up side down.

• wrote and passed the NARM, becoming licensed as a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM). 
• i crossed the atlantic. 
• separated from my partner*.
• got a late application into the International Midwifery Pre-registration Program (IMPP) in Toronto. 
• spent a week with an old friend in her wee caravan in a small village in scotland (coming to terms with life and what it throws at you)
• spent the summer in brookyln with some of the best friends a girl can have (who got me through). 
• moved to toronto (and into my cousins) to start the IMPP.
• connected with some of the best ladies, at a time when i needed my ladies. 

i will be forever indebted to them.

and now...and now i'm headed to saskatoon in a few weeks to complete my clerkship...

i'm so close to being registered in canada, when a few months ago i had not idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go.

i need to acknowledge with deep gratitude the support i've had over these last few months. i haven't made my personal life public, because, well it was just that, private. but that's not even the support i'm just talking about. so thank you.

i have felt so incredibly loved and encouraged at the end of this journey. i feel like i'm in the home stretch of a triathlon. i'm puking (metaphorically), fatigued, feeling as though i surely can never make it, but with the support of those around me and in my extended community, day by day i'm making it closer to the finish line.

it's perfect that i'm completing this journey in saskatchewan. i'm excited about moving back there. i'm fearing the winter as it's been since the late 90's that i've been there. but i'm excited to serve families where i grew up.

i'm looking forward to future prospects of where this might take me. speaking with other midwives wanting to return to the province, and getting support from local communities. i feel like there is so much we can do, as a community.

i feel like i'll finally have space to be me.

so enough with the personal shit. you can see that i haven't exactly had time to write.

_____________________

so as this process continues i'll continue to try and write. i have no idea what the next three months of my clerkship will be like.

i'll be integrating into the canadian health care system, integrating into being a primary maternity care provider that truly has autonomy to practice and provide interprofessional care.

i'll be integrating into working in hospitals and all that goes along with that.

it's the unknown possibilities that that privilege brings that has be a bit terrified right now. but as i'm learning more, it really is just another place of birth, and at the end of the day it is family and midwife.


life is full. so very full.






*i'm having a hard time saying it out loud, but making a concerted effort to acknowledge the truth and not feel ashamed.

"so where are you moving to?"

the money question. everyone asks and i haven't an answer. i asked G the other day another word for liminal. he suggested limbo. whichever it is. that is where we are. but there is a plan. 

all of my documentation has been sent, received and reviewed by my school.

i somehow pulled getting my application for NARM together after a last minute decision to go ahead and get licensed in the states. i had a skills exam with my clinical director today to get a few more skills signed off. and i'm like 9 days away from being back in maine for my final exams.

it's only starting to become real and anxiety is setting in.

we packed up, put most of our furniture and books into storage, said our sad goodbyes and crossed the border back to canada last week. it wasn't official and clearly it never occurred to me until the border guard asked if we had filled out a declaration to reestablish my canadian residency? 

oh, right. i'm done. i guess i have to go back to canada now. 

as i said. there is a plan. we have lots of plans in the works. i'm hoping to get a visa extension that will allow me to work as a licensed midwife in the US. at least for a period of time. during that period i'll be working towards getting registered in canada, but the timing of exams (and/or programs) dictates the speed at which that takes place. out of my hands. 

optimistically i could be registered next may, outside chance not until spring of 2015, worst case, never.  

i'm just focusing on moving forward and managing to make all these logistics come together and actually try and study for all these exams. oh, also G is applying for canadian residency and we have to go back in time and print out all our emails. this goes back 10 years...to the time of hotmail. i can't even access that account anymore so the earliest we can go is 2007. yes. only 6 years. 6 years of emails. skype. facebook. myspace? all our pictures. i'm not sure there is enough paper or ink for this. not to mention the police checks and tax audits. 

we can pull this off though. despite having no fixed address. despite having our most wordly possessions being packed into my little car, most of which is composed of camping gear and midwifery books. a ukelele and our blendtec. 

so where are we moving to? only the future knows. we are open and resigned to what the universe brings us. i know ultimately it will be success. 

sometimes you have to break to be reborn

it's been over a month since i last wrote. i've lost track of time. 

it happens.

this week alone has been four births, two clinic days (left part way through one for a buttery home birth) and a half day at the MAWS conference (pulled out of the afternoon to run off to another birth).

this has pretty much been par for the course this last month.

i don't think that i have ever grown as much as i have through this student midwifery journey as i have this last month or so..

the births in the last few weeks have stretched me beyond belief. and i'm stronger for it. 

i had my last day of clinic as a student midwife on thursday. 

i'm done. 

i have some exams. but i'm done.

i'm on call this weekend and will do a few final postpartum exams on tuesday when i go in to finish all my last paperwork to be signed. but that is because i want to, not that i have to.

i'm done. 

how does it feel?

that's the question on everyones mind. to be honest it's anticlimactic. i need a break, but i love what i do. i love the women i work with. i love my community. i don't want to leave. if i had to leave i want to go back to phoenix. i love my community there.

the thought of having to start over in canada is exhausting to be honest and there is a possibility that i won't be in practice until next may, maybe sooner, maybe not even then. 

so how does it feel? uncertain. 

i have some options out there. but the amount of paperwork and applications i need to complete in the next few weeks is daunting. i at least have pretty much all my documentation signed off on. need to get some signatures on skills. need to have some letters written by people (and i've left this way to late, but have faith in those who support me). i have to pack up and move. say good bye. write finals. 

but first. in an act of pure selfishness i've booked me and my man a 10 day holiday. seven nights camping in the san juan islands and two nights at a lodge in the cascades. we need this. i need this. with the complete uncertainty of this next year i needed to be selfish and take this break now. probably the worst timing. it'll be a working holiday, but it'll be a break. 

right now after one of the most challenging and powerful births or week of births i'm broken. battered. and bruised. but i'm strong. i'm being reborn. i'm transcending the security of being a student midwife and ready to spread my proverbial wings. 

sometimes you have to break to be reborn. 

celebrating my last day of clinic
as a student midwife with my love. 

to license or not to license. is there a question? or what is an empowering birth? who decides?

OK this is an opinion piece and i imagine it'll piss a few people off. 

but i've been in tears this last week and i don't want to keep quiet about it. i was ready to quit being a midwife. 

recently i found myself in the midst of a discussion on midwifery licensure. i don't know why i bated myself into this trap. i was premenstrual. we have a client who is going through a difficult time and a midwife who is reaching out to any and all resources that she can find to help this momma. reaching out in a way that would not be possible if she were working outside the system.

i'm back to believing i'm not a feminist because i'm not hating on the system which i guess is being equated to the "man" and therefore in order to be a good feminist, i'm supposed to hate. sigh. sorry i know that is filled with sarcasm and passive aggressiveness, but i'm still pretty upset about this. 

as most of us have heard there is a midwife in north carolina who is being charged with murder as a result of a fetal demise. tragic. for everyone. 

i've read some backlash that this case supports the flaws of seeking licensure. i'm not quite sure the logic, but i guess it is because in north carolina homebirth with a midwife is illegal. the state does have CNM's, but from my knowledge they work on the base and i'm not sure civillians have access to them, and they sure aren't doing homebirths. and this is where lets hate on the man comes in, why, because the obstetric community does not support OOH birth, CPM's much less "community midwives". 

------

*tangent* i've heard this word community midwife tossed around in this case. i prefer it over traditional midwife. and from now on will try and use this term, particularly speaking of unlicensed midwives.* though really, aren't we all community midwives if we are attending births out of hospital? so maybe i'll use it for all midwives that don't work in hospital, licensed or not. i don't know. i just hate traditional midwife and medwife. makes my skin crawl to have such division between us. 

------

there was a discussion that you can listen to here on progressive parenting. there is also a post which is allegedly the mothers side of the story. *the mothers story appears to have been taken down. sorry*

i said that this is an opinion piece and so here is my opinion. 

if the midwife were licensed she would not be charged with murder. this case would have gone through a review by her peers to deem whether she acted appropriately or not. she would have had a trial and held accountable by her peers. she may or may not have lost her license based on their findings. and the family would likely have recourse in a civil suit to recover any financial damages, though that will never bring their baby back. if it is a state in which midwives carry malpractice, well then there also would have been a system in place to provide the family with compensation, not force them to seek it on their own.

and the midwife, well she would be on board with any health care professional and would not be charged with murder. this is the case in hospitals right. the unfortunate nature of what we do will be the eventual bad outcome. it happens in hospitals and there is no media coverage about it. it is silently swept under the rug and dealt with in back rooms. when this happens at home with a midwife, particularly an unlicensed midwife, and in a state where midwifery is illegal. it devastates the community.

i'm not here to judge the midwife. i'm here to talk about how it would have looked if midwifery were legal and if she were licensed.

back to the discussion i was bated into earlier this week. the discussion that had me in tears. the discussion that caused me to pause and fear being a midwife. 

i'm not naming names. there is no point. but there definitely were some heavy hitters involved. and actually most of these people are friends with midwives i've worked with.

the slogan "midwives for families, not midwives for midwives" comes to mind. 

so in this discussion, these women were critical of licensure because of the restrictions that it puts on birthing mothers - namely, breech, twin and VBAC. in many states once midwives become licensed these criteria are out of their scope and midwives cannot serve these women out of hospital. the argument - they are higher risk. the unfortunate reality is that the obstetric community has seen these women as a obstetric emergency and will advocate for early elective c/s. so the mothers are really not in a good place. 

there is a positive side however, ACOG recently put out recommendations saying that vaginal twin birth was a safe as a c/s; in many countries such as canada breech birth is coming back and more practitioners are being trained in how to help manage them, and VBAC? well in WA state midwives can choose to care for women who are attempting VBAC's using a community standard protocol that is evidence based. so things are improving. options for birthing women are improving. it's not perfect. 

i don't completely get the argument that these restrictions say that women are not smart enough to make decisions regarding their own bodies. i think if that is the case then these women should birth unassisted, at least don't hire me. when you hire me, you are hiring me because i sought education in how to help mothers prenatally and throughout their birth and postpartum. you are hiring me because of my knowledge. 

so back to this discussion that i was in. i can see for the most part what these women want is for optional licensure, like what oregon and minnesota have (though oregon is possibly transitioning into mandatory licensure). they disagree with the CPM being the standard. which i can agree with, i think midwives could do with more rigorous training, but i also think that the CPM is an adequate baseline and that these are good midwives. and to streamline a system of licensure. it's a starting place.

what shocked me out of this discussion was the alleged belief that licensure impacted the care we give to mothers. that it put licensed midwives on par with OB's. and what got me to my core was a comment that licensed midwives were intervening in women's birth causing them to have postpartum depression and breastfeeding issues. that women were hiring a midwife expecting one thing and then not getting the birth experience they wanted because it was "managed" by the midwife rather than just allowing the mother to birth the way that she wanted. 

oh my, i could break down this in so many ways, but it got to me. so not only do i have the responsibility of two lives in my hands, i also have the responsibility of how my actions may impact the mother and baby (and negatively at that). one of the reasons that i became a midwife was to protect that postpartum period, now i'm being told that if i'm "managing" a birth and that if it isn't what the mother wants (but if in my educated opinion needs to happen) that i'm causing mothers to have negative birth experiences and postpartums. pressure. ok. i tap out. i don't want to be a midwife then. i can't handle that. seriously. it's too much. 

thankfully i was surrounded my amazing women who took me in their arms while i cried and replenished my strength to move forward. 

what this all makes me wonder is what are we as women putting on other women. all these expectations. we set each other up for failure, that you are never good enough. oh a midwife helped direct your pushing or reduced an anterior lip. you didn't birth on  your own. your body didn't do it itself. seriously? do we think that women who were attending other women in pictographs just sat back and let a mother birth on her own and didn't do anything to facilitate the process? that's pretty nieve. 

a doula at a birth the other night talked about her births. her second baby she had an anterior lip that the midwife eventually reduced after the mother recognised that her pushing efforts were being held up by something. in her next birth that sensation returned. she knew within herself that the lip was there and asked to have it reduced, and then the baby came. does this mean that the mothers body failed her? what right do we have to judge women and their birth experiences? 

if i'm "managing" a birth by protecting a mothers perineum, telling her to slow down as the head is crowning so she doesn't blow her bottom out, is that her body not working? if she is happy, but you are not because someone else had hands on her body as she pushed. who needs to take a step back? birth isn't just going to look one way. i've only attended 130+ births. they have all been different. i've watched mothers birth their own babies without anyone's hands on them, i've also helped a mother direct her pushing. one wasn't more empowering than the other. and if you judge a woman because she had help, who is the one disempowering her experience? who is the one causing her postpartum depression when she's been told her body failed her? that she could have had it better? 

why do we as women sabotage each other?

grandson

sharing just a small moment of last night with you.

a grandma meeting her grandson for the first time. she was downstairs while her daughter was birthing taking care of her other granddaughter. she comes upstairs to check on things to find mom and baby tucked into bed.

cries of joy in korean as she instantly fell in love with this new life. overjoyed. proud. shocked.

*scenes that bring tears to a midwives eyes*

87 days

in 87 days i return to maine for homecoming. 

writing senior exams. two days of testing, case studies. review of all that we have done. and the graduation. 

there are only four from my class graduating this term, eleven total from what i can deduce. this is the average in which most midwifery programs graduate new candidates on a yearly basis. 

*****

i need to start studying, but reviewing the last three years is daunting.

i at least tried to organize some of my course work yesterday so i have a guide. still more to do. 

this is a reality check though, because in this time period i'll also be packing up and moving. not really sure where. to a storage unit in regina? for the time being i guess. and then the plan is to drive across to maine. so there is a week lost there. 

umm...Ok maybe 75 days of studying. 

i think my blood pressure just spiked. 

send help. 

recognizing my white privilege

interesting conversions.

they really began for me more than a year ago at the CPM symposium and have slowly been more prevalent since then. i suppose i'm becoming more aware that these conversations actually need to be had and i'm really not competent to have them. but at least i'm in them. i'm trying.

i don't feel as though it's my obligation to speak up about white privilege and the racial disparity that is imbued in every nuance of this world. but i feel as though i'm being asked. the need is there. a shift has to be made.

it's my obligation to stand up when it could be so easy to sit down. to turn it off in the way that my white privilege allows.

*********

a few weeks ago there was a post from midwifery today that compared the plight of midwives with the abolitionists and childbirth in america with that of african american slaves.

the response was heated and emotional. controversy arose. the post was removed and an apology given. and a letter to the editor written.

it was strange to be part of that. to know that there are people that think that is ok. and placing myself within the framework to defend that.

it's not comfortable to think about the fact that i have experienced and accomplished much in my life due simply to the fact that i am white. it's much more difficult to accept it.

but here i am. and this is what i am doing. starting a conversation.

3. or no apologies.

i'm supposed to be cooking dinner. 

3 births left to complete NARM requirements. 23 left for alberta/canada. 

i started to read back in my blog to see if i've ever written anything alienating that might jeopardize my chances of getting registered in canada. considered trying to make this blog anonymous. make it untraceable to me. 

i gave up. 

i read over some of what i wrote when i first began this trip. so ideological. i held much judgement over concepts i really knew nothing about. i think i was more critical about the governments role in midwifery in canada, specifically funding. and yeah maybe critical of the way midwifery is implemented in canada. but really? is it perfect anywhere?

what can you expect? i know that i have grown tremendously over these last four years. some of my perspectives have stayed the same. most have changed several times in several unexpected ways. having now worked with 8 or 9 midwives in some capacity, even if it were at one birth i see things a little more clearly.... only to have my world rocked out of complacency as soon as i get comfortable.

i'm not about to make any profound observations here. this is more about taking accountability for my beliefs. the fact that we all grow from our experiences and that is what we should be judged on, not what our unknowing idealistic younger self once believed. 

i'm not going to apologize for what i wrote. partially, to be honest, i'm too lazy to go back through four years of writing to sensor what i once thought. instead i think it better to acknowledge that now. with no apologies. 

5 months or so

i'm gestating.

not physiologically. but physically mentally emotionally, and spiritually.
after five or so months in this practice i've done forty births.

in all 112.

documented. somewhere around seventy or eighty.

my *numbers* are coming together. i'm unlikely to succeed in making the canadian requirements. 30 primary continuity of care. i might be close. i don't know. i stress about this. panic attacks.


in may it will be ten months and i'm due to finish this preceptorship.


i have no idea what happens next. applying to bridging programs. applying to NARM. work permits.

i have to go through this process.

there is no fast >> forward.

i'm gestating an unknown.